Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
