The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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