Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
