actually, I'm a sock model
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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