I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
