At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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