I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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