Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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