You're my little dorito
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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