my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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