My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
