You're so nebulous sometimes
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
