I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
