the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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