I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
