You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
