I think my fart just growled at me.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Enjoy the penises
Randomize
