end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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