You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
