I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
