haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
His nipple licking is glorious
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