I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
