i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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