Taylor Swift is so right about you.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
