Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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