At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
