I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
im six kinds of drunk right now
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Randomize
