last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
