Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
