How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
