My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
