My friends, they love my intelligence
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
