i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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