I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
