i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
