I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
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