you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
