are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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