I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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