i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
