I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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