My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
