did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
