I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
