when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i dont even know how to be here
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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