did you get engaged???
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
