Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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