I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
