Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
