it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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