somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
