I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
