I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
